Not once in my 23 years have I ever felt like I fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at university, not in any of my jobs, not in my family and not with my friends.
In junior school, I didn’t fit in because my Mam stuffed me in frilly dresses until I was 11 whilst everyone else was wearing trackies. This resulted in me being picked on, and then retaliating by refusing to wear dresses again until I was fifteen.
In senior school, I didn’t fit in because I didn’t get pocket money so I couldn’t buy clothes that everybody else had set as the trend.
I never fitted in because I had older parents than everyone else. Once somebody thought they were my grandparents! I am not ashamed of having older parents; it was one more factor that made me different.
In college, I became an outcast because of my anorexia, First year; I curled into myself for protection. I was quiet, a shadow of my former self. I was snappy and moody, obsessed with my eating disorder, unaware of anything happening around me. Second year, I was a prisoner in my own home, only allowed out for ‘good behaviour’ and a few college lessons. I was the girl known as anorexic Rachel.
In University, I didn’t fit in as I was attempting to find the real Rachel again. Who I was, what my dreams were, whether or not I wanted to let go of anorexia, my safety blanket. I spent the first two years avoiding being around people at lunch time. I didn’t lead a party lifestyle, I was too weak and I didn’t know how to interact with people my own age.
In my first bar job, I didn’t fit in because I hadn’t been around people my own age for too long. I’d never had a boyfriend; I couldn’t drive; I hadn’t been on a wild night out since I was 16.
Yet this job was my entry back into a young person’s life. I made more friends, I went out after work, I started attracting and being attracted to boys, I had a boyfriend, I passed my driving test.
However I still feel different to other people my age, even now. I’ve been through more traumatic events than the vast majority as well as experiences I never would have had, if I’d never been anorexic. I have conquered the illness that wanted me dead; I have battled to get treatment; I have had far too many blood tests; I have had to reveal personal thoughts to more people than I dare count. I have had doctors stare at me as if I’m insane; I have had people doubt my ability and state that I am going to fail college. I have had people shout out about my illness in the middle of a night club; I have witnessed my half sister and cousin being too scared to talk to me. I could go on and on. All these events account for my personality but they are also the reasons why I stand out.
My positive experiences from anorexia are something else that makes me different as none of my friends have done anything like them before. I have met my local MP; I have given presentations at the House of Commons, to professionals and to the youth parliament. I have been on the radio; I have been in magazines and newspapers. I recently appeared on the front page of my local paper. I have travelled to New Zealand twice on my own; I have met truly wonderful people who have also been anorexic. I have grown closer to my Mam; I am more aware of other people and their own emotions; I have been involved in re-vamping a national charity; I have been in a media summit. Again my list is endless. Again people can’t relate to it. Although I am no longer ill, anorexia will always be a part of my identity because it made me the person I am today.
I am unlike a lot of my peers in other ways too. I am a doer and a perfectionist. I don’t stay in bed all day; I don’t watch TV all the time (in fact I don’t even have a TV in my room!); I don’t want a boyfriend; I don’t want to go on a rave holiday. I like walks in the countryside, sketching, getting lost in a book, making scrap books, collecting foreign magazines, learning languages, day dreaming, being with my family and writing my diary. I like making cards for people or writing them random notes and letters to let them know I care. Yes, I like doing what other 23 year olds do – going out clubbing, getting drunk, going to the cinema, shopping, make-up, flirting, going on dates and being admired. There’s just more to me than that.
What it has taken me a long time to accept, is that it is okay to be different. I would rather be me, than be a clone of somebody else. I’d rather know that there is only one Rachel Lauren Cowey and there never will be anyone else quite like me. That’s something to be proud of. I am not going to be ashamed of myself anymore nor will I apologise for the person I am.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
2010
After two years of not achieving much (except for my degree) and allowing someone to make me feel like I was worthless, I have decided to make 2010 one of the best years possible.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
I felt like I had lost my creativity until I began my MA in Magazine Journalism last September and this year it really has come back with a vengeance. I have started sketching, I write my blog, I make collages and I’m creative with my own personal look. Combining my love of fashion and looking unique, I want to learn how to make my own clothes. My Mam is my inspiration. After years of hearing her complain that no one makes clothes for 60 year olds (unless you want to look like a granny!), I have persuaded her to buy a sewing machine. I want to meet the woman who made the first ever mini skirt to be worn in South Shields. The girl who made a suit with a beetle on it to portray her love of the Beatles.
One of my resolutions was to go on as many day trips and holidays as possible. I love travelling. I love seeing different cultures, learning some of the language, sight seeing, buying souvenirs (although mine aren’t typical; clothes and foreign magazines!) and pretending I’m not from England. One day I will travel the world but for now I’ll settle for a few mini trips. I’ve already been to London this year but I’m also going to Rome, Wimbledon and Skiathos, plus an unknown destination with my friend!
I’ve also dedicated time each month to do charity work. In January, I gave a presentation at a national conference in London as a Beat ambassador. For me, there’s nothing better than doctors coming to me to say they’ve learnt a lot from me. Someone also suggested I write a book of my experiences, which one day I will do! In February, I did a backwards walk to help raise money for a volunteering programme in the Dominican Republic. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Walking the wrong way makes you very disorientated! I swear people driving past must have thought we were still drunk from the night before!
Also in February, I appeared twice on the radio and gave an interview to my local paper as Beat ambassador. Imagine my shock though when walking into my local Sainsbury I was greeted by my face on THE FRONT PAGE! I still haven’t quite gotten over it.
This month, I am doing a ten mile sponsored walk for St. Claire’s hospice. After that, I don’t know what to do next.
This year is about taking chances and making the most of my life as technically I should have died six years ago.
Monday, 15 February 2010
Planning our lives – my dreams
1. Gap year
2. Live in France
3. Be an editor of a magazine
4. Swim with dolphins
5. Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef
6. Be happy
7. Have two kids
8. Be an author
9. Appeal for eating disorders
10. Be in Love
11. Be a kind person
12. Obtain a degree
I wrote this list in 2006 and surprisingly I have actually fulfilled some of them.
a) I lived in France for five months in 2007 as part of my university degree in languages.
b) I swam with dolphins in 2007 in New Zealand; it was amazing and I want to do it again.
c) I fell in love for the first time in 2007 and the second time late-2008. Both times have been special and indescribable; yet the second was more powerful as I’m finding it increasingly hard now to fall out of love.
d) I think I’m a kind person – I’m always there to listen to my friends; I do charity work and I help my family.
e) I obtained my degree in 2009 in French and German. I didn’t get the grade I wanted but it still is an achievement to me.
My blog is about the article I wrote to accompany my list:
Why do we spend so much time predicting our future? Is it because we’re desperately searching for something more than the life we actually have? I guess we’re worried for the future – what will become of us?
I still daydream about mine yet I should know that you can not plan. I mean so far my anorexia has set me back three years. I stopped experiencing things at 16. I’ve missed out on so much and lost some of my dreams. I won’t dwell on them as one thing I have learnt from this illness is not to be so hung up on the past. I can’t change it. Instead I’ve made more dreams and maybe this was the way my life was supposed to be. I am more knowledgeable and mature due to my eating disorder. Plus by being an ambassador, I’ve participated in events other people my age would never do – speak at national conferences, been hob-knobbing in the House of Commons with MPs, done radio, newspaper and magazine interviews…. Ironically my eating disorder has helped me to gain confidence and self-respect. Also I’m healthier than I’ve ever been! I’ve made some fab supportive friends too.
What I’m trying to say is yes, it’s good to have ambition but don’t try to structure your future – anything could happen. Just learn from your experiences, mistakes and make some thing positive out of it.
These past three years have been the worst so far but now I’m helping people and learning to like myself again.
2. Live in France
3. Be an editor of a magazine
4. Swim with dolphins
5. Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef
6. Be happy
7. Have two kids
8. Be an author
9. Appeal for eating disorders
10. Be in Love
11. Be a kind person
12. Obtain a degree
I wrote this list in 2006 and surprisingly I have actually fulfilled some of them.
a) I lived in France for five months in 2007 as part of my university degree in languages.
b) I swam with dolphins in 2007 in New Zealand; it was amazing and I want to do it again.
c) I fell in love for the first time in 2007 and the second time late-2008. Both times have been special and indescribable; yet the second was more powerful as I’m finding it increasingly hard now to fall out of love.
d) I think I’m a kind person – I’m always there to listen to my friends; I do charity work and I help my family.
e) I obtained my degree in 2009 in French and German. I didn’t get the grade I wanted but it still is an achievement to me.
My blog is about the article I wrote to accompany my list:
Why do we spend so much time predicting our future? Is it because we’re desperately searching for something more than the life we actually have? I guess we’re worried for the future – what will become of us?
I still daydream about mine yet I should know that you can not plan. I mean so far my anorexia has set me back three years. I stopped experiencing things at 16. I’ve missed out on so much and lost some of my dreams. I won’t dwell on them as one thing I have learnt from this illness is not to be so hung up on the past. I can’t change it. Instead I’ve made more dreams and maybe this was the way my life was supposed to be. I am more knowledgeable and mature due to my eating disorder. Plus by being an ambassador, I’ve participated in events other people my age would never do – speak at national conferences, been hob-knobbing in the House of Commons with MPs, done radio, newspaper and magazine interviews…. Ironically my eating disorder has helped me to gain confidence and self-respect. Also I’m healthier than I’ve ever been! I’ve made some fab supportive friends too.
What I’m trying to say is yes, it’s good to have ambition but don’t try to structure your future – anything could happen. Just learn from your experiences, mistakes and make some thing positive out of it.
These past three years have been the worst so far but now I’m helping people and learning to like myself again.
My passion
Books have always had an impact on my thinking, either my view on life or myself. I like to reflect afterwards. I love how a really good story can make you feel warm inside. The ones that draw you in, where you are the main character and your own life gets left behind.
I like to read in silence – that is no outside noise. I don’t mind listening to my ipod – I use it to drown out everyone else. Books need to be concentrated on, so you can easily slip into another world for five minutes, half an hour or a whole day!
Some of my favourite places are libraries and bookshops where I’m surrounded by endless possibilities. Do I want to be in the past, present or future? Teenage, crime, fantasy, chick lit, action or everyday life? Classic or modern?
My ambition is to own a house with its own library, involving a swinging ladder, like in Beauty and the Beast. Then I’d have window seats, cosy chairs, a big four poster bed, a swing chair in my garden and a beautifully carved bench – all for the pleasure of reading.
I like to read in silence – that is no outside noise. I don’t mind listening to my ipod – I use it to drown out everyone else. Books need to be concentrated on, so you can easily slip into another world for five minutes, half an hour or a whole day!
Some of my favourite places are libraries and bookshops where I’m surrounded by endless possibilities. Do I want to be in the past, present or future? Teenage, crime, fantasy, chick lit, action or everyday life? Classic or modern?
My ambition is to own a house with its own library, involving a swinging ladder, like in Beauty and the Beast. Then I’d have window seats, cosy chairs, a big four poster bed, a swing chair in my garden and a beautifully carved bench – all for the pleasure of reading.
My sub-personalities
I've been going through old notebooks and found odd rambles that I thought I would publish.
This one is based around a series of books I used to read as a teenager; the mates, dates and... In one book a girl spoke of all the different personalities she was composed of, so I decided to think about my own sub-personalities.
Goody two-shoes: She helps around the house, is hardly ever shouted at by her parents, does extra work for university and always follows the rules.
Ana: She is a dominative person, my anorexic voice and is very negative. I wish she would leave but deep down I know she’ll always be a part of me. This is the one that makes me skip meals and exercise.
Sally: She is the shy one who I am around new people and boys I like. She blushes a lot and is very quiet.
Scarlett: She is very flirty; mostly around boys when she is drunk.
Elizabeth: She is the book reader and an aspiring author/journalist as well as a daydreamer.
Maiya: She is the girl I wish I was; the one who usually appears in my daydreams. She is popular, tall, slim, pretty and intelligent. She has mid-length blonde hair, plays for a sports team and is a dancer. In my eyes, she is perfect.
Angel: She is completely innocent.
Maggie: She is very childish and appears when I am in an ana drama, shy or nervous or when I’m with younger people.
This one is based around a series of books I used to read as a teenager; the mates, dates and... In one book a girl spoke of all the different personalities she was composed of, so I decided to think about my own sub-personalities.
Goody two-shoes: She helps around the house, is hardly ever shouted at by her parents, does extra work for university and always follows the rules.
Ana: She is a dominative person, my anorexic voice and is very negative. I wish she would leave but deep down I know she’ll always be a part of me. This is the one that makes me skip meals and exercise.
Sally: She is the shy one who I am around new people and boys I like. She blushes a lot and is very quiet.
Scarlett: She is very flirty; mostly around boys when she is drunk.
Elizabeth: She is the book reader and an aspiring author/journalist as well as a daydreamer.
Maiya: She is the girl I wish I was; the one who usually appears in my daydreams. She is popular, tall, slim, pretty and intelligent. She has mid-length blonde hair, plays for a sports team and is a dancer. In my eyes, she is perfect.
Angel: She is completely innocent.
Maggie: She is very childish and appears when I am in an ana drama, shy or nervous or when I’m with younger people.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Lily Allen - GQ
The April 2008 issue of Q magazine won the best cover award from the Maggies, beating 30 other nominees. The cover features Lily Allen and two panthers. It makes a really bold statement, having dangerous animals on the front, implying that Lily is also ferocious. However in reality Lily isn’t as brave as she looks. In fact, the pictures of the panther were digitally put in.
Lily Allen is a strong personality, amongst a fickle celebrity world. By photographing her with the panthers, her character is reflected. Her black hair, monochrome skirt and black tights compliment this, as well as the fact that she is wearing little else. Having the cover just in black and white, with just the redness of the Q icon, makes the cover stand out and give it a traditional vibe.
The way Lily is standing – her back towards the camera, glancing over her shoulder – seems as though she doesn’t want to give all herself away to the media. Yet at the same time, the caption states that we know all of her wild adventures, “Beast Lily and her wicked, wicked ways”. According to one review, Allen’s management liked the idea of her being photographed with panthers to showcase her “wild image”
For me, I don’t see the significance in her having no top on, apart from maybe to show a vulnerable side. Maybe it just comes down to our society. Sex sells.
There are conflicting views on the Internet as well as within Q. The photographer, John Wright, said that “she wasn’t sure about taking her top off but we got there in the end.” Whereas in Lily’s own single The Fear, she sings, “I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless”, so why the shyness? She even admits in the interview that years ago she used to get her hair cut for cheaper by flashing her breasts at the hairdresser. “If I did it enough, I’d get it for free.”
She is apparently also a fan of the naked female form and attends strip joints, although she does admit to feeling awkward.
I do like the bold statement that this front cover makes, but if we take the other nominees into consideration, there wasn’t much competition for it to win the best cover of the year. The only main contender for me was the cover for the first issue of Love magazine, which featured a striking naked Beth Ditto. Putting a very curvaceous woman on the front cover in a society obsessed with size zero is daring in itself. The other covers were fairly bland. From the Christmas Radio times of Wallace and Gromit to Ok!’s portrayal of Jade Goody’s wedding, from Glamour’s Kiera Knightely shot to GQ’s David Beckham, these were all general shots of celebrities that we see every month. Where has the originality gone?
Lily Allen is a strong personality, amongst a fickle celebrity world. By photographing her with the panthers, her character is reflected. Her black hair, monochrome skirt and black tights compliment this, as well as the fact that she is wearing little else. Having the cover just in black and white, with just the redness of the Q icon, makes the cover stand out and give it a traditional vibe.
The way Lily is standing – her back towards the camera, glancing over her shoulder – seems as though she doesn’t want to give all herself away to the media. Yet at the same time, the caption states that we know all of her wild adventures, “Beast Lily and her wicked, wicked ways”. According to one review, Allen’s management liked the idea of her being photographed with panthers to showcase her “wild image”
For me, I don’t see the significance in her having no top on, apart from maybe to show a vulnerable side. Maybe it just comes down to our society. Sex sells.
There are conflicting views on the Internet as well as within Q. The photographer, John Wright, said that “she wasn’t sure about taking her top off but we got there in the end.” Whereas in Lily’s own single The Fear, she sings, “I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless”, so why the shyness? She even admits in the interview that years ago she used to get her hair cut for cheaper by flashing her breasts at the hairdresser. “If I did it enough, I’d get it for free.”
She is apparently also a fan of the naked female form and attends strip joints, although she does admit to feeling awkward.
I do like the bold statement that this front cover makes, but if we take the other nominees into consideration, there wasn’t much competition for it to win the best cover of the year. The only main contender for me was the cover for the first issue of Love magazine, which featured a striking naked Beth Ditto. Putting a very curvaceous woman on the front cover in a society obsessed with size zero is daring in itself. The other covers were fairly bland. From the Christmas Radio times of Wallace and Gromit to Ok!’s portrayal of Jade Goody’s wedding, from Glamour’s Kiera Knightely shot to GQ’s David Beckham, these were all general shots of celebrities that we see every month. Where has the originality gone?
Small Town Girl
Living in a small coastal town in the North East often makes me feel suffocated and itching to escape its confinements. Although South Shields has pretty scenery with the National Trust protected coastline, beaches and inner town parks, the main centre as well as the housing estates are dismal. Brick houses, rubbish-filled gardens, buildings dirtied by pigeons and seagulls seem even bleaker, with the grey sky that resides all year round and the miserable people that loiter around the streets.
Being someone who is well travelled (Europe, New Zealand, America), I know that there is more exciting places out there. Every time I return from a holiday, I am filled with dread as soon as I see the familiar row of shops near to where I live.
South Shields is full of people with no ambition. They will remain in the same town until they die, after marrying someone they went to school with. And I’m not being stereotypical. It’s the truth. I know people who have only been as far as Newcastle. They live in South Shields, they work there, they socialise there. They have no desire to experience other cultures.
Added to this, my town is full of charvahs. Wearing tracksuits, berghauses and huge hoop earrings, they are generally either on the dole or have three or four children at the age of 22. Their social habits? Drinking on street corners, causing fights and engaging in casual unprotected sex. Their attitude? They care about themselves and everyone else can f**k off.
When I was younger and naïve, I used to be scared of groups of charvahs, keeping my head down and scuttling past them. But lately I’ve developed an “I don’t care attitude.” I’ve realised that they have nothing going for them and by showing you aren’t bothered, they are more likely to leave you alone.
Another problem with small towns is no privacy. Everybody knows everything about everyone; even things you didn’t know about yourself! There are no secrets; this is a place where the local celebrities are either those who are out partying every night (the “IT” girls and boys if you like) or those who work behind bars.
And this is all why I felt proud when Joe McElderry won The X-Factor. Here was someone getting their big break and managing to escape from a town with no prospects. One day I hope to getaway too.
Being someone who is well travelled (Europe, New Zealand, America), I know that there is more exciting places out there. Every time I return from a holiday, I am filled with dread as soon as I see the familiar row of shops near to where I live.
South Shields is full of people with no ambition. They will remain in the same town until they die, after marrying someone they went to school with. And I’m not being stereotypical. It’s the truth. I know people who have only been as far as Newcastle. They live in South Shields, they work there, they socialise there. They have no desire to experience other cultures.
Added to this, my town is full of charvahs. Wearing tracksuits, berghauses and huge hoop earrings, they are generally either on the dole or have three or four children at the age of 22. Their social habits? Drinking on street corners, causing fights and engaging in casual unprotected sex. Their attitude? They care about themselves and everyone else can f**k off.
When I was younger and naïve, I used to be scared of groups of charvahs, keeping my head down and scuttling past them. But lately I’ve developed an “I don’t care attitude.” I’ve realised that they have nothing going for them and by showing you aren’t bothered, they are more likely to leave you alone.
Another problem with small towns is no privacy. Everybody knows everything about everyone; even things you didn’t know about yourself! There are no secrets; this is a place where the local celebrities are either those who are out partying every night (the “IT” girls and boys if you like) or those who work behind bars.
And this is all why I felt proud when Joe McElderry won The X-Factor. Here was someone getting their big break and managing to escape from a town with no prospects. One day I hope to getaway too.
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